God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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