I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
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A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
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I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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