Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
