I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
