I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
