i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
