i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
