yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
