I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
