the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
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"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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