College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
