Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
