He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
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Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
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We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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