Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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