He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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