How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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