How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
