so that wasnt chicken after all
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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