i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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