This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
