he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
