mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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