I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
