I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
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Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
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Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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