when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
