shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize