I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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