I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
this boner is exhausting
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.