stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n