Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.