I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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