you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
