My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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