if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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