Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
