youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
