Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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