Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
