I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm passing your future prison.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
