i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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