Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
