I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
