So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
