I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
