How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Rumble strips road head = magical
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
