Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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