did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
