Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
