hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
