hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
