Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
