If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
