Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
