My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
