I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The air was thick with penises
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
