Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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