Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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