It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
