the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
