we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
